Letter to My Ex

Dear my ex-boyfriend,

Hi

How are you?

Having fun without me? Nah, you must be missing me. I knew it.

Maybe you are wondering why this thing should happen to you. You don’t understand anything yet everybody blames you. I know, I know.

I made this.

The suffer you’re feeling now is all my plan.

This is a good bye letter for you, Twinkle Toes. Not for anybody else. When you read this, it means you miss me so bad until you open our first anniversary box. We were on high school and you were so popular among those girls. The sexy salsa dancer; Twinkle Toes, they called you.

Anyway, let’s not talk about the past. I wrote this letter just before I went to the roof. You know, I always really love to fall. This last fall will be glorious.

Police will investigate my house, my car, my neighborhood to find the reason why. But they won’t check this clumsy little box, you’re the only person I know who will check it and find this letter. You can give this letter to the police after you read it if you want. Honestly I didn’t know how long you took to finally open this box again.

I’ll tell you the reason why I gave up my life.

But first, you must know how I lived my life without you.

Do you know how well you dance, even without music? I remember your last dance before you left. Now every salsa that echoing in my ears only drives me crazy. Because it only reminded me of you, and I never know why you left.

Was it because of the tense between us? Was it because of your work? Was it because I can't cook well, or because my hair was a mess? Did I change something that makes you hate me? Or did I change you and make you hate yourself?

I don't know, you never tell.

One day, I just woke up marrying a man named Anthony. Because guess what, I have to move on and continue my life. Because my life won't end even if you left.

5 years of marriage.

Anthony and I didn't have any children. But it was not the reason I ended my life. I know some doctors can help me, but of course it needs a lot of money. I worked harder then, I even gave up my weekend to have extra jobs. I told Anthony I won’t give up, I promised I can work this thing up. He didn’t have to worry. Anthony just smiled, but I knew he never believed anything I said. He gave up already. He gave up on me.

One day, I found out a girl named Jessica called Anthony while he was taking a bath. I ignored it at first. But this girl continued to call and made me pick the phone up. I thought maybe it is an important thing. But the first thing she said was “Honey, why don’t you pick up at the first ring?”

I was shocked. I dropped the phone and left the room. I took my jacket and went to a bar. I understand how disappointed Anthony was that I couldn’t give him children. But it was not a reason for him to cheat on me. On this point, I miss you.

I was drunk and I called you. Did you surprise that night? When I called you crying. You sound so worried, you asked me where I was. But I didn’t tell you a thing, I just said I missed you. I missed us.

I didn’t remember how I got home the next morning, I believe Anthony picked me up from the bar. But he wasn’t there when I woke up.

It was also not a reason I ended my life. Anthony is a handsome guy, he is so smart and every girl envies me marrying him. Honestly I wasn't surprised he had some fans. I believe in him. I might be upset but I trust him more than anyone in this world.

Since I didn’t go to work, I took a walk in my neighborhood. I dropped into a pet shop. I always wanted a pet, but Anthony said I was too careless to take care of a pet. But that day, I didn't even think twice about buying a dog. I gave up the money for the baby to buy a puppy. He was an Affenpinscher with brown fur. I named him Lemon, because I remember how you love a lemonade.

Honestly, I was unable to handle Lemon at first. He was so playful, he jumped on my back when I laid down on the sofa, asked me to play with him. I never let me sit still without jumping on my lap. I was so tired but also happy. I imagine how tired I would be if I had a baby. It was just a puppy and I have to lock my room to make him stop following me. Maybe God knows I am not ready for a baby.

Anthony came home late, Lemon welcomed him with a wary bark. “It’s okay Lemon, it is your daddy Anthony” I said. But Lemon continued barking on him. Anthony seemed don’t really comfortable with this, but he continued walking to the living room and watched TV as nothing happened.

Day by day, Lemon grows bigger. It had been a year since Lemon here, so I decided to buy him a gift. I bought him a Superman costume. But Lemon seemed don’t really like it. I took some pictures and decided to keep the costume on the table where Anthony put some of his work. The next morning, I heard Anthony was so angry. Lemon was pissing on the costume and also Anthony’s documents. I apologized to Anthony and I swore Lemon will never do this again, Lemon was so smart and he knew where to piss on. Maybe he didn’t like the costume so much, or maybe he actually liked it too much so he gave a mark on it. But Anthony didn’t hear anything from me. He went to work early, I think he must finish his work in the office. Then, I went to the office too and left Lemon alone at home.

When I went home in the afternoon, I couldn’t find Lemon. I tried to find him everywhere in my house but didn’t see him. So I tried to find him in the neighborhood, asked some people but no one gave me a clue.

So I went home so tired and sad, Anthony had arrived home and I said to him that I lost Lemon. But you know what he said “Oh don’t worry baby, Lemon had been gone to somewhere better than here”

For weeks, I didn’t know where Lemon was. I didn’t want to accuse Anthony for anything, he never lied to me, but it made sense that Anthony was mad for awhile and threw Lemon away. I just want to make sure Lemon was okay. But Anthony just kept saying that I don’t have to be worried.

One day, it was Sunday but I couldn’t find Anthony at home. So I decided to go to the park to jog. And then I saw you, with Lemon running at the park. You were so happy, you laughed whenever Lemon jumped to you. But it was not only both of you. There was a girl in a wheelchair. Seeing me, Lemon run at me, jumped at me and licked me. Seems he missed me so bad. The wheelchair girl approached me and asked whether I knew her dog. I asked her where she got the dog.

“I was so sad when I lost my dog, my brother and mother couldn’t find it. So I decided to find it by myself, but I lost my way home instead. Fortunately Mr. Santa helped me, not only he bring me home but also he gave me this dog”

You approached me then “Hey there” you said. I couldn’t say a thing.

My husband was right, Lemon had found a better place rather than my house. He can play at the park whenever he wants, I had no time taking him to the park. I was so busy on weekdays and so tired on weekends. The most important thing is I can find you right there.

“Hey Mr. Santa,” I smiled at you “how can..”

“Sstt, look at them Viona” I saw how happy Lemon and the wheelchair girl was “This is my role as a Santa to make them smile like this”

“That was my role too, you know. Lemon was my dog”

“I don’t understand why you named him Lemon, he is not even yellow” you laugh

“I thought if I can’t have you, at least I can have something you really like. You know, a lemonade”

You stared at me so deep before you said “You have me now, Viona, and you will always have me” you hold my hands and before I know my tears just fell.

I miss you so bad, I miss your laugh, I miss everything on you. And I knew you feel it too. You hug me then, you hug me so tight. You kissed me and we decided to come to your place. We did things like it was our first. There was no regret. We both know the secret recipe is love. And we both have it.

It was the last time I met you. This next thing is the reason you should know why I decide to end my life. It is because you were dead.

Three months ago, I felt so sick. I was easily getting tired and feeling nauseous. I didn’t know what made me buy a test pack but I was so surprised to find out I was pregnant. I went to the doctor and they gave me a valid check of my pregnancy.

I was so happy so I couldn’t wait to tell Anthony. So I went to his office directly after seeing my doctor. I told him I was 2 months pregnant. Instead of being as happy as me, he just stared me and asked me with his cold eyes “How can you get pregnant?”

“Are you joking? Of course because we did that thing.” I laugh nervously “And you know, the doctor told me to take extra care of this baby because..”

“You know that’s not the answer for my question. Answer me, how can you get pregnant?”

“I don’t know, baby. It was a miracle!”

“Did you see another guy?”

“Anthony! For God’s sake, I never see any other guy! It was your baby”

There was a deadly silence between me and Anthony. I didn’t believe that he accused me of cheating.

“I never give a fuck about your relationship with Jessica” I said, trembling.

“WHAT NOW?”

“ASK YOURSELF YOU MORON”

Anthony tried to calm himself down by inhaling the air as much as he could. But I can’t hold my tears.

“You know Jessica, she’s everybody’s sweetheart” he said

“He called you honey!”

“So does everybody else, okay? Now tell me the truth”

“What truth? I never lie to you at the first place”

“We both know it was on me. I am infertile”

“What are you talking about? It was on me, my womb is so fragile, we both heard that, darling”

“But you have a baby now”

“I know! That’s why it’s a miracle”

“That’s why it’s not my baby”

I was so in pain. My husband didn’t believe me, how can he become so cruel. So, I left his room with tears. I didn’t care what people would say about me, or about him. I went to the park, waiting for you, or Lemon, or the wheelchair girl. But no one came.

I can’t go home. I can’t meet Anthony right now, it still hurts.

I lived in a hotel for a week, I didn’t go to work. But I knew I had responsibility so I came back home. But I found Anthony and Jessica at home, Anthony seems to be surprised. But he talked calmly to me “Where have you been, darling?”

How can he still call me darling after all this shit? With Jessica on his side?

I can’t say any words. And he said another thing that really hurt me.

“Did you have fun with your boyfriend?”

I slam the door and directly go to the park. I was waiting for you. Did you remember it was the place we first met? I fell in love with your laugh, your eyes and the way to smile to me.

It was raining and you didn’t come, Twinkle Toes. You knew I was there but you didn’t come. You let rain became my only friend so that no one can see my tears. On that day, I knew you were dead.

After that day, my life feels so empty. I lost my baby anyway. The doctor said my womb is so weak, and I let myself be friends with the rain too long. So, yeah, I lost everything.

My husband didn’t trust me. You didn’t come when I needed you the most. My baby left me.

So I decided to find a way to be dead, the quick and certain death. So, the 32th floor will be enough right? Beside, I can see the park for the last time from up there.

I never see your laugh and your sweet smile anymore, but I know you always have it on the bottom of your heart.

My dear twinkle toes, I wish my death will bring you back to life. Please don’t be angry at the small thing. Please laugh more, and smile more. Don’t be drowned by those pile of works. Don’t forget to eat veggies. I only have you in my entire life, you are the first and the last person I ever loved. The dead girl will tell no lie.

Please Anthony, bring back my ex-boyfriend from death, bring back the old you to life. That was my last wish.

Warm regards,

Viona Santa

PS: I was the one who put those cyanide in Jessica's coffee. Will met her in hell soon :)