Confession. The Ugly Truth.

Hi.

Here's my confession.
Until this night, I'm still thinking about Fahry.
Sometimes I wonder if I can make up with him.
Have a fresh start.
I thought "Well, he has a girlfriend, but she won't convert to be a muslim, will she?"
That thought just repeatedly haunting me.
Saying to me that maybe Fahry also still feel the same way.
Maybe if I was brave enough to meet him, we can be together, one more time.
Maybe if I was not that selfish, if he had more self-confident, we would be alright.
But here's the truth: it was not my fault for being selfish, or his fault for being a coward.
We just not meant to be together.
That's it.
That's all.

Here's another confession.
Only God knows why, until this night I can still login to his instagram.
And just few minutes ago, I just scrolling down his feed.
He just posted 3 pictures of his girl.
Yes three pictures with lovely caption.
And creates a highlight about his boo.
Right now my hands still trembling.
And hell yes, I'm full of fucking tears.
It hurts.
It really hurts.
My hearts is freakingly in pain.
Thank you Fahry, well thanks this is what I really need.
I really need to wake up from those pathetic thought.
We won't be together again.
Seeing you so in love with this girl, really slap me in the face.
We have been together for 7 years, for God Sake.
I really give it my all to you.
But you never being in love with me that way.
I realize that I'm not the one who will complete you.
I'm not the one for you.

You cannot break me up, because you feel so guilty to break up with someone who love you that much.
You always feels sorry if I was angry or upset or anything, because you feel like you owe me.
I know I'm a slow learner, I took a full year to me to finally understand.
You don't love me. You pity me. You care for me.
I'm pretty enough so you like me as a woman.
But I never own your heart.
That's why you put no effort for us.
That's why I'm never be your priority.
I'm just too naive to admit this all these time.
Because of all the positivity I have in mind, all the good memories, all the things we've done.
I thought we love each other.
Of course you don't have such a bravery to tell me this.
All the good things you have, but you have no ball.

But it's okay.
It doesn't matter anymore.
I understand now.
Thank you for your effort those 7 years trying to love me back.
Thank you so much.
I know you tried.
I'm glad that you finally find the one you can be proud of.
She's pretty.
She looks nice, and she won't drink alcohol like me, or swearing, or calling people stupid.
But you won't find someone like me.
She is not as strong as me. I know.
Because you've made me to.
No one can ever tore my heart as bad as you.
I'm so proud that I don't lose my sanity.

But honestly I'm so relieved now.
I have no regret.
I did my best.
And this is also the best result of our relationship.

Thank you Fahry.
Thank you for leaving.
Thank you for being happy and loved. That's all I need to know.
I always love you, no matter how hurt I am.
But don't worry, you don't need to give any shit.
I just can't hate you.
But I hope I won't see you ever again.
I don't wanna hear your name.
Please let me have a peaceful life without you.
One day, maybe when I was old enough so I have schizophrenia, we will meet again as a stranger.

I promise I won't look for you anymore.
I have logout your instagram, delete all the photos I previously store on my harddisk.
I have to let you go.
How silly me, break you up a year ago but didn't fully let you go until tonight.
Tonight is the night that finally I will be free.